I don't know what to believe anymore.?

I don't know if I should call myself an atheist or what, but I am borderline right now. I guess you could call me spiritual to a certain extent, but I'm not sure what to believe anymore. Maybe I'm just going to be a skeptic for the rest of my life. I have heard all the excuses in the book from christians to tell me why god exists. In fact I have come up a lot of reasons why a deity would exist when I was more lenient toward the believing side. It just seems very possible when you go either way. Life is so complex and amazing it seems to be pure craftsmanship, but if you are to say god made it then your saying something more improbable and more complex has created it, because that entity just simply has to be more complicated. Sure you can think that we live in a universe of equations and say you cant have something from nothing. That matter can't exist without a cause, but that would be a paradox. God would have had to be much more spontaneous than that matter people can't comprehend to exist without a creator. You could also say that everything is cause and affect which it is and say without god you would go back and back and have an infinite set of cause and effects without a beginning to stabilize it and need an uncaused being to start everything, but you can also say who's to say there is a definite beginning. Time seems to forever go forward why can't it forever go backward, in fact time is a mysterious thing isn't it. It seems much more logical to call the universe uncaused than thrusting god in and saying he is the uncaused being, because god being uncaused seems so unlikely and so impossible it hurts my head to allow that. You would have to say he is uncaused though, because that would be the only way. It all seems so random to me. We all shouldn't be alive, but we are. I guess people shouldn't take life so for granted, because we all just don't see how diffcult it would have been for us to come about. No matter what angle you come from it seems very amazing. I'm not saying I'm atheist. I have seen supernatural things in my life. Spirits, whatever they are. My whole family has seen them. So I do believe in a spiritual side to things without blind faith, but I have no idea what to believe anymore. I just have no idea. It just seems much easier for me to say we started from humble and simple beginnings like simple matter rather than BOOM GOD masterful, intelligent, all knowing, and much more sophisticated than you'll ever know popping up and starting everything up without a definite cause for this god.